To Send or Not to Send

I finally finished our family profile tonight.  I thought the day would never come.  Really.  I did.  And now that I'm done, I just can't get myself to click the order button to get it printed.  I keep re-reading it and going back through it.  Then I go on-line and look at other families' profiles that are currently active waiting families with other agencies and I start to second guess myself again.  I hate this horrible feeling of inadequacy that you feel while going through this adoption process.  Constantly comparing yourself to the next family.  Always wondering if someone will look at your profile and for some reason pick you over everyone else.  That's why I just can't print it yet.  I keep thinking that I'll get some major revelation of how to make it 100 times better so we stand out.  It's a silly thing.  I know.  But very real among those of us adopting domestically awaiting an infant from a birth mom.  Most people don't have to be "picked" in order to become a parent.  They just get blessed with the ability to carry a child...and the child doesn't have to pick you.  Then there is this side...someone has to see us as suitable.  And if no one does?  Well, then we go in the pile with the rest of the families that haven't been blessed with being picked.  I feel for those who are still waiting.  My heart goes to them in a way I can't quite describe.  No one should have to feel that way.

New Deadline

Wow, I've really been slacking on this blog lately.  I keep telling myself I need to be better with it, then 4 days later I have to tell myself the same thing again.  This past week I have been spending all my spare time trying to get our adoptive family profile scrapbook done.  Whenever I'm not at work, taking care of Brayden, or eating a meal I seem to be sitting here on the computer working away at it.  I actually didn't start off doing it digitally.  This, I believe, was mistake #1.  I thought that by doing it the old fashioned "cut and paste" way I would be showing off my amazing scrapbooking skills and show to the birth moms how creative I was and how much time I invested in it.  Well, the problem with this philosophy and, hence, mistake #2, is that I DON'T have amazing scrapbooking skills and I'm NOT super creative!  Yup, that puts a damper on things.  I spent weeks printing out pictures, buying paper, and laying it all out.  I completed 4 pages, and then...I threw them in the trash can.  Yup...I had a major meltdown, yelled that I couldn't do this...then, right in the stinky trash can they went.  So now this past week was spent with my butt glued to the chair in front of the computer trying to get this done as fast as possible.  My time frame for getting our packet out to the agency keeps getting pushed back and I really don't want to push it back anymore.  My hope is that by December we will be on the active waiting families list with the agency.  Praying for a fast turn around once our packet gets there!

Update...

Finally feeling better!  Up until a day or two ago I was getting nervous that I wasn't going to feel well enough to go back to work.  I had horrible cramps that went all the way up to my shoulders and couldn't really eat a lot of food.  SO thankful that I'm feeling better.  I still get tired toward the middle of the day/afternoon and I have to watch what I eat, but in general, it's truly a miracle that I feel as well as I do.  Thankful for all the prayers!  The most frustrating part of all of this is feel utterly useless.  I'm not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds for at least 4 weeks, and that means I can't pick up Brayden.  I can't put him in and out of the bath tub, I can't get him in his highchair, I can't put him in or take him out of his crib...ugh.

We're past the failed adoption...we've dealt with it and we're OK.  I just stinks.  Not really a great description of what's been going on in our heads, but I don't really know how else to describe it.  We're now back on track with our adoption packet to send out to the agency, though.  The thing holding me up is doing our family profile booklet.  I do NOT scrapbook quickly...ask Jon :).  And this is basically a scrapbook of the family.  I need to get moving on it big time!

I start back to work tomorrow.  I'm doing half days for the rest of this week.  Praying I hold up!

This is probably not the best time for me to be writing a post, but here I go.  It's 9pm, I'm sitting on my couch in pain from this surgery, and I received a message earlier that the adoption is definitely not going through.  Where do I begin?  I'm more than slightly overwhelmed at the moment and feel a large meltdown coming at some point.  I'm trying to hold it together but my emotions are getting the better of me.

Tomorrow is a new day...I have to remember that.  

WHAT A WEEK

I'm not even sure how to explain this past week.  What I can say, is that my blood pressure is probably about 50 points higher.  I will attempt to make this brief:

We had a last-minute adoption opportunity come up on Monday.  The birth mother was due in a little over 2 weeks!  I spent 4 days calling adoption attorneys and adoption agencies trying to get information about how this adoption would be able to occur with us so quickly.  We didn't have our home study completed and half our paperwork was not done.  I was scrambling all week, and then Friday night it all fell through.  It slipped out as fast as it slipped in.

Then, today, it all seemed like there was hope again.  We received a phone call that changed things again.  Now I'm sitting here having no clue what is going on.  It's a 50/50 right now.

I  always wondered how situations like this popped up for other people, and now I've been sitting here amazed that I'm the one in these shoes.  What I do know is that God has this under control.  I've come to genuinely care about this birth mother and baby and if this situation doesn't work out for us, we just pray it's the best for the two of them.  Am I stressed?  Yup.  Will I be sad?  Absolutely.  But it's OK.  

Trying to keep my head up in tough times right now.  It's been a discouraging couple of weeks with quite a few meltdowns on my part.  Luck for me, I have an amazing husband who doesn't melt down like I do and is fantastic at staying calm.  I need calmness in my life...I think I'll keep him around :)

Is it bad that I'm almost looking forward to my surgery next week just so that I have a few days of being unconscious so I can relax and get away from life?  OK, that's slightly an exaggeration...but not totally :).   I can say that I'm pretty nervous though.  I'm supposed to be taking 3-4 weeks off of work and I'm only taking one due to money...eek!  PRAYING for a fast recovery, both physically and mentally.

We are still waiting on some paperwork to come back to complete our home study packet.  Jon got his FBI fingerprinting back at the beginning of this week, but I haven't.  Did I do something I didn't realize?  Maybe I robbed a bank while sleepwalking or something?

Chugging along...

Fun with Family

Had a great time this past weekend spending time with family.  Brayden had some time with his cousins, who he doesn't get to see as often as we'd like.  He seems to love hanging out with kids about 3-6 years old.  He just ran in circles around the kitchen island being chased by them...screaming with joy!  I can't say that it was a QUIET weekend, but we're still looking forward to adding another child to the mix of craziness!  

Reasons why I am blessed:

1.  I have an amazing husband who has stuck by me through the hardest of times.  He is the best father a child could ask for and he treats me better than I deserve.

2.  My son...enough said.  He fills me with more joy than I thought I could know.

3.  My home.  Sure, it's nothing special, but it's clean, warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and simply...it's home.

4.  I have a job that pays the bills (most of the time haha!)

5.  My family in large.  From my parents to my sister to my in-laws, I could not have better.  They are some of my best friends and I can't imagine life without them.

6.  My country.  I'm free.

7.  My friends.   I have met some incredible people over the years.  Some in passing, some long-time friends. They have all taught me something and helped mold who I am.

Other things that bring me joy:

the smell of fresh air

the beauty of the mountains

taking pictures

listening to my son laugh

reading books

listening to the ocean

eating ice cream and cake :)

the colors of fall

traveling

fresh vegetables!

I have to remind myself to look at life through the eyes of a child sometimes.  They are so carefree and just enjoy what is put in front of them.  I see it everyday in Brayden.

Baby Bug!!

In my new-found photography obsession, I've started to look a lot at newborn photo shoots to get some ideas and learn positioning, lighting, etc...  I'm thinking that I need to stop.  The baby bug is kicking in pretty bad!  Every time I look at them I just want to grab one and squeeze it.  OK, well, not SQUEEZE, but I think you get what I mean :).  We are in such a lull with the adoption paperwork right now that my enthusiasm is dwindling and I'm getting antsy.  Jon continues to work on his autobiography, we need two papers notarized, and we need our FBI clearances...then we can finally send our home study packet in.

In the meantime, my surgery is scheduled for the middle of august and we're trying to come up with some new fund-raising ideas for the adoption.  I'm pretty stressed with now having the cost of surgery co-pays and deductibles on top of everything else, but,  I'm trying to remember that God has it all under control.  Such a hard concept to grasp at times.

My pushing is starting to pay off for Brayden and the Early Intervention team leader decided (after our long conversation on the phone today) to move up his 6 month review and get the whole team together in one room to discuss what may need to be changed.  We also got our referral paperwork in the mail for the developmental pediatrician consult.  Yet another 10-page packet of paperwork to fill out!  I should take out stock in an ink company.

Long Time no Post

I realize it's been quite some time since I've been around here!  Phewww...what a week!  At the beginning of July I looked at my calendar and it had about 3 things on it for the entire month.  If you were to come and look at it today you would see black marker everywhere!  It's filled with Dr's appointments, Brayden's therapy schedule, time with friends, my Tastefully Simple party, adoption meetings...I'm tired!

My Tastefully Simple fund raiser went very well!  Between online orders and my home party, it looks like we will have raised over $200 towards our adoption!  Thank you Kara for your big heart and generosity.  Friday night was a lot of fun and filled with tons of yummy food :).  Every day we get closer to our goal and it's so exciting!

I also had a great time on Saturday doing my first photo shoot for some friends of ours!  I had a blast and realized how much I love photography.  I'm lucky to have some fantastic people teaching me and hope I can continue taking pictures for others to enjoy.

Well, it's currently 10:00pm and I've been getting to bed WAY too late this past week.  So, I'm off to go sleep.  Think time it won't be another week until I check in here :).