Finally Getting Somewhere

Well, two bits of good news!  First, and the most exciting (at least to ME) is that the adoption agency contacted us and we are having a phone interview next week!  One step closer to getting approved and on their waiting list!  I love when I get contacted about little things like this that I didn't know where part of the process.  It makes me feel like I'm DOING something.  After a while of just sitting and waiting you start to become frustrated.  I've been sitting here wondering when someone would contact me about approval, but I wasn't expecting it for a while since their website says approval can take a few months after they receive our packet.  I'm still not sure if we'll be approved soon after this phone interview or not, but hey, at least it's something!

Second, and a big blessing...I start a new job in November!  It was tough decision because I love all the people I work with right now, but, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith.  Definitely praying that this step will help us breathe a little easier and save the rest of the money we need for this adoption.  When we think there is no hope and that things won't get better, God likes to prove us wrong...

Ugh

Yup.  That about describes the past few weeks.  I've been avoiding writing a post because there hasn't been much "positive" to report on.  Financially and emotionally it's been one blow after the next.  You'd think I'd be getting used to this by now, because that seems to be the theme lately.  I won't get into it all (because really, who cares about every single one of my financial woes?  I'll spare you the details...you can thank me later :) ), but lets just say things have been topped off this week with both of our cars ending up in the shop in the course of 3 days.

As I sat in the parking lot today after about 10 minutes of trying to start my car, I closed my eyes and was like, "Really, Lord?  Seriously?  More?  Now".  We all go through our ups and downs with how positive we allow ourselves to stay.  A few months ago I would say I was having a great attitude, even when the day brought me frustration and a new battle to persevere through.  Today, not so much.  Today my attitude stunk like Gorgonzola cheese left of the kitchen counter for a week.

That's all folks.  Today, rotten cheese.

Tomorrow...praying for cheese cake.

2 Years Ago....

In two days, September 27th, our precious 3 pound, 9 ounce angel was being born.  I was thinking back on it this morning and started to tear up remembering how hard of a time that was for us.  I remember 6am that morning the doctors walking into my hospital room and telling me they needed to deliver the baby that day...and I lay there thinking, "It's too early.  I'm only 31 weeks pregnant!"  It all happened so fast that I never really had time to process it all.  It never really hit me how sick I was...until after.  I wasn't mentally prepared, but I think that was God's way of protecting me from a meltdown.  If I really thought about it and had the time to sit and realize what was happening and how in danger both of us were, I would have lost it.

About 24 hours after Brayden had been born, I was finally able to go see him.  Prior to that I was too sick.  When they wheeled me up to the NICU, this is how I first saw my sweet baby.

The next day he was started on his jaundice treatment.  He looked so frail and tiny.

We eventually got to hold him a day or two later...

...and we were so in love.

I often felt like I was going to break him when I was holding him...

...because he was just so small...

...but amazingly beautiful.

Now we marvel at how grown he is.  We are so amazingly blessed and privileged to be his parents.  It was all worth it.  Every minute of it.  Happy birthday Brayden.  We love you.

The Waiting Begins

Our entire pack of papers was sent out to the agency on Saturday! SO unbelievable happy that it is over and done with!  I will not sugar coat it and say that it was easy work.  It was very time consuming (about 6 months!), and yes, a pain in the rear :)...but SO worth it!  I take comfort in the joy that we have now done all we can do.  From here on in it is in the Lord's hands.  Not that it wasn't before too, but there was a lot in MY hands.   There is officially nothing left that Jon or I can do except pray that God places our profile book in the hands of the right birth mother.

Nothing about adoption is easy.  I got a phone call from my mom a few days ago about the birth mom that almost picked us a few weeks ago right before my surgery.  Jon and I were so upset about how much we ran around, trying to make things work on such short notice (because she led us to believe she really wanted to chose us), only to have her chose another family 2 days later.  That was probably one of the craziest weeks of my life.  Well, we found out that she had the baby.  The adoptive family that she chose was at the hospital for the birth...and when she gave birth and saw the baby, she decided to keep him.  There are so many ways to look at this.  Most of you probably look at that mom with anger thinking of how selfish that was, but can you imagine giving your child away under any circumstances?  I know I most certainly could not.  As much as us adoptive parents want a child, isn't it truly the best if a child can stay with their biological parents, as long as it is a safe situation? Yes.  Absolutely.  I grieve for the adoptive family that walked away without a son.  I grieved for us when we thought we were going to have another little boy to love and lost him just as they did.  But, that mamma loved that precious baby boy.  HER boy.

So we continue to wait.  Patiently.  Well, as patiently as we can.

Almost There!

Got a bright orange package in the mail yesterday!  Yup, my family profile books arrived!  Today I faxed over our final clearances to the home study social worker, which means, by the end of the week our whole packet will be out to the adoption agency! SOOO super excited!  Can you tell by my extreme over use of exclamation points???!!!!! :-).  Yippee!  The hard work part is almost over!!!!'

....soon on to the waiting...and waiting...

To Send or Not to Send

I finally finished our family profile tonight.  I thought the day would never come.  Really.  I did.  And now that I'm done, I just can't get myself to click the order button to get it printed.  I keep re-reading it and going back through it.  Then I go on-line and look at other families' profiles that are currently active waiting families with other agencies and I start to second guess myself again.  I hate this horrible feeling of inadequacy that you feel while going through this adoption process.  Constantly comparing yourself to the next family.  Always wondering if someone will look at your profile and for some reason pick you over everyone else.  That's why I just can't print it yet.  I keep thinking that I'll get some major revelation of how to make it 100 times better so we stand out.  It's a silly thing.  I know.  But very real among those of us adopting domestically awaiting an infant from a birth mom.  Most people don't have to be "picked" in order to become a parent.  They just get blessed with the ability to carry a child...and the child doesn't have to pick you.  Then there is this side...someone has to see us as suitable.  And if no one does?  Well, then we go in the pile with the rest of the families that haven't been blessed with being picked.  I feel for those who are still waiting.  My heart goes to them in a way I can't quite describe.  No one should have to feel that way.

New Deadline

Wow, I've really been slacking on this blog lately.  I keep telling myself I need to be better with it, then 4 days later I have to tell myself the same thing again.  This past week I have been spending all my spare time trying to get our adoptive family profile scrapbook done.  Whenever I'm not at work, taking care of Brayden, or eating a meal I seem to be sitting here on the computer working away at it.  I actually didn't start off doing it digitally.  This, I believe, was mistake #1.  I thought that by doing it the old fashioned "cut and paste" way I would be showing off my amazing scrapbooking skills and show to the birth moms how creative I was and how much time I invested in it.  Well, the problem with this philosophy and, hence, mistake #2, is that I DON'T have amazing scrapbooking skills and I'm NOT super creative!  Yup, that puts a damper on things.  I spent weeks printing out pictures, buying paper, and laying it all out.  I completed 4 pages, and then...I threw them in the trash can.  Yup...I had a major meltdown, yelled that I couldn't do this...then, right in the stinky trash can they went.  So now this past week was spent with my butt glued to the chair in front of the computer trying to get this done as fast as possible.  My time frame for getting our packet out to the agency keeps getting pushed back and I really don't want to push it back anymore.  My hope is that by December we will be on the active waiting families list with the agency.  Praying for a fast turn around once our packet gets there!

Update...

Finally feeling better!  Up until a day or two ago I was getting nervous that I wasn't going to feel well enough to go back to work.  I had horrible cramps that went all the way up to my shoulders and couldn't really eat a lot of food.  SO thankful that I'm feeling better.  I still get tired toward the middle of the day/afternoon and I have to watch what I eat, but in general, it's truly a miracle that I feel as well as I do.  Thankful for all the prayers!  The most frustrating part of all of this is feel utterly useless.  I'm not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds for at least 4 weeks, and that means I can't pick up Brayden.  I can't put him in and out of the bath tub, I can't get him in his highchair, I can't put him in or take him out of his crib...ugh.

We're past the failed adoption...we've dealt with it and we're OK.  I just stinks.  Not really a great description of what's been going on in our heads, but I don't really know how else to describe it.  We're now back on track with our adoption packet to send out to the agency, though.  The thing holding me up is doing our family profile booklet.  I do NOT scrapbook quickly...ask Jon :).  And this is basically a scrapbook of the family.  I need to get moving on it big time!

I start back to work tomorrow.  I'm doing half days for the rest of this week.  Praying I hold up!

This is probably not the best time for me to be writing a post, but here I go.  It's 9pm, I'm sitting on my couch in pain from this surgery, and I received a message earlier that the adoption is definitely not going through.  Where do I begin?  I'm more than slightly overwhelmed at the moment and feel a large meltdown coming at some point.  I'm trying to hold it together but my emotions are getting the better of me.

Tomorrow is a new day...I have to remember that.  

WHAT A WEEK

I'm not even sure how to explain this past week.  What I can say, is that my blood pressure is probably about 50 points higher.  I will attempt to make this brief:

We had a last-minute adoption opportunity come up on Monday.  The birth mother was due in a little over 2 weeks!  I spent 4 days calling adoption attorneys and adoption agencies trying to get information about how this adoption would be able to occur with us so quickly.  We didn't have our home study completed and half our paperwork was not done.  I was scrambling all week, and then Friday night it all fell through.  It slipped out as fast as it slipped in.

Then, today, it all seemed like there was hope again.  We received a phone call that changed things again.  Now I'm sitting here having no clue what is going on.  It's a 50/50 right now.

I  always wondered how situations like this popped up for other people, and now I've been sitting here amazed that I'm the one in these shoes.  What I do know is that God has this under control.  I've come to genuinely care about this birth mother and baby and if this situation doesn't work out for us, we just pray it's the best for the two of them.  Am I stressed?  Yup.  Will I be sad?  Absolutely.  But it's OK.